How to Work with Anger 

Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions. I grew up being shamed for my anger, being told I was shameless for showing it. Like me, many grew up learning that anger is dangerous, inappropriate, shameful, or something to be avoided. Yet anger itself is not the problem — it’s a signal, a surge of energy that tells us something matters. What harms us isn’t the feeling of anger, but what happens when we suppress it or let it explode. 

The biology of anger

When we feel angry, the amygdala — the brain’s emotional alarm system — signals the body to prepare for action. Adrenaline rises, muscles tighten, the heart rate increases, and attention narrows. This physiological response evolved to help us set boundaries and respond to threat. Suppressing it doesn’t make it disappear; it just pushes that energy inward, where it may become tension, resentment, or even shame.

The key is not to eliminate anger, but to work with it consciously — allowing the wave of activation to move through the body while maintaining awareness.

Step 1: Pause and focus on the physical symptoms

When anger arises, pause before reacting. Notice where it lives in your body: heat in the chest or head, pressure in the throat, clenched fists, shallow breath. Instead of analyzing why you’re angry, give attention to how it feels. Slow, deliberate breathing can help calm the nervous system and keep the prefrontal cortex active — the part of your brain responsible for choice.

Step 2: Separate the feeling from the story

The emotion itself lasts only about 90 seconds, as neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor describes. What makes it last longer is the mental replay — the looping thoughts of “How could they?” or “This isn’t fair.” Once the initial wave subsides, you can explore the story with more clarity: What boundary was crossed? What do I need right now?

Step 3: Express or process the message, not the explosion

Anger is a signal. It often points toward needs for respect, fairness, safety, or autonomy. Working with anger means expressing those needs clearly, without attacking or withdrawing. You might say, “I felt frustrated when the meeting started late because I value our time,” instead of reacting with silence or sarcasm. Healthy anger is assertive, not aggressive.

However, not every wave of anger needs to be expressed outwardly. Sometimes the needs it stirs come from old beliefs or inner systems that no longer serve us. In those moments, anger is an invitation to pause and look inward — to discern whether the emotion calls for communication or reflection. Working with anger means knowing the difference.

Step 4: Reflect afterward

Once the emotion passes, take time to reflect: Was this anger protecting me from being vulnerable — perhaps hurt, fear, or disappointment? Often, anger shows up to protect us from those more vulnerable feelings. Noticing what’s beneath it doesn’t mean the anger was wrong — it just helps you respond with more understanding, both toward yourself and others.

Meeting anger with respect

When we stop labeling anger as anything other than a normal part of being human and start listening to its message, it becomes a source of information rather than destruction. 

The goal isn’t to stay calm at all costs — it’s to stay connected to yourself while feeling anger. In that space, anger transforms from a threat into a guide that helps you act with clarity and integrity.

References

• Bolte Taylor, J. (2008). My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey. Viking Penguin.

• Davidson, R. J., & Begley, S. (2012). The Emotional Life of Your Brain: How Its Unique Patterns Affect the Way You Think, Feel, and Live—and How You Can Change Them. Hudson Street Press.

• Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books.

• LeDoux, J. E. (2000). Emotion circuits in the brain. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 23, 155–184.